


What He Wants

by Sevi (KelSevi)



Category: Shin Megami Tensei II
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 22:57:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8178973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KelSevi/pseuds/Sevi
Summary: Aleph never asked to be the Messiah.





	

_A Messiah asks for little, and gives back twice what he takes._

_A Messiah represents the people’s hopes, dreams and wishes._

_A Messiah is a beacon of power, of light, of a better future._

_And, most important of all, a Messiah is at peace with himself, as he is at peace with all of life._

And yet…

Aleph’s heart aches as he slides down the side of a building wall. His body pulses with pain and adrenaline, his cheeks are warm from salty tears, and he wheezes, trying to get some air back into his system.

A man’s life was dashed right in front of his very eyes, and all he could do was watch. He was too far away, his reaction time too slow, his aim too shabby. It was only a quarrel between man and demon, but for it to turn out like this…!

Hot flashes of shame wash over him, and he hiccups, choking back a sob.

He thought of himself as a coward. He could not confront the man’s killer, for they fled the scene before he could stop them. He could not confront the man’s family when they arrived; their horror shook him to his very core. He could not confront the crowd as they asked him, why? Why did you not save him, Messiah?

_Why, Messiah?_

Aleph coughs, the distance of which he ran catching up to him. He had fled the area outright, only stopping to catch his breath at an abandoned warehouse in the outskirts of the district. He gasps and sucks down sweet air, only to choke it back out.

He’s a mess. He draws into himself, wrapping his arms around his head to make the terrifying hurricane of thoughts and emotion cease.

But they would not cease. They could not.

A torrent of questions flood his mind. _Why had I not saved him? Was I simply too slow? Am I too trusting of demons now? Will this make human and demon tensions worse, simply because I failed? Why did I run? Will the people trust me less?_

_Why do I have to be the Messiah?_

_**I don’t want to be the Messiah!** _

This is unfair, Aleph thought. His life is unfair, as it always was, as it always will be. He’s amnesiac, alone, afraid, and awful at the one thing that gave his life meaning. The one thing he was supposed to do in the first place.

_Lead and protect. The Messiah never falters, for the sake of the people._

“I don’t give a damn about the people!” Aleph cries out, distraught. “I didn’t want this in the first place! Why must it be me?!”

The heavens, of course, are silent. He glares at the ugly artificial sky, mustering as much anger and hatred as he had bottled up and hidden away, and he screams out his frustration and pain.

…

* * *

A hand touches his shoulder, and Aleph rouses slightly. The light of the orange afternoon sun shines on the wall of the building around him.

He must have let his weariness tire him out. He tilts his head up to find out who disturbed him.

The light of the sun shrouds her face in shadow, but he squints and his eyes slowly adjust.

“Aleph… I wasn’t expecting the lost man those farmers saw to be you. What are you doing here?”

Of course. It’s Hiroko.

Aleph tiredly diverts his eyes. “…I made a mistake.”

“Mm?” With a bit of effort, Hiroko sits herself down next to Aleph and draws her legs inward. “I heard that something had happened in the slums. Poor guy never stood a chance.”

He nods, slowly. “… I didn’t save him.”

“Don’t worry about it, it happens.” She rests her head against her knees. “It’s not easy being a public defender.”

“But…!” Aleph sucks in an indignant breath. “But, I should have been able to break up the fight! If I was just a little faster on the draw, if I had just moved quicker…!”

Her hand grips his shoulder again, and digs right into it.

“Aleph. What’s done is done.”

He stares at her in disbelief. “… What?”

“Let it go. You can’t go beating yourself up over every little mistake. It’s not like you can just save everyone.”

He…

He looks down. Suddenly, the grimy dirt seems really fascinating.

He mouths what she said to him.

_It’s not like you can just save everyone._

“…I’m sorry.”

“Aleph?”

Before he even realizes it, he finds himself shuddering and mumbling, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” over, and over, and over.

Concerned, Hiroko moves to touch his arm again, but he tenses so she withdraws. “Aleph, it’s okay,” she murmurs, trying to console him.

“… I, I’m not fit for this life,” he blubbers pathetically. “I’m not what everyone wants me to be. I can’t be. I’m trying, I really am, but…”

“Aleph–”

“But! I’m only human! I can’t bend to the will of the people, I’m barely even a person to start with!

"Aren’t I supposed to be the Messiah? Why am I even having these doubts about myself!? These regretful thoughts…!”

Aleph clutches his head and twitches violently, to which Hiroko can only watch. She covers her mouth with her hand, and then casts her eyes elsewhere. She isn’t sure of what to say.

She’s not sure there’s anything she _could_ say, even if she wanted to.

They fall silent once more, aside from the sounds of Aleph’s whimpering.

* * *

Rarely did they sleep in the same bed together. But tonight is an exception.

Neither of them could sleep, not with the memory of that afternoon on their minds. After Hiroko coaxed Aleph to leave with her, he stayed right behind her the whole time she led them safely home. By the time they reached the bedroom, Aleph had already unceremoniously dumped his equipment in a corner of the room and retired to bed.

Hiroko laid herself beside Aleph, still half-clothed. He didn’t respond, and she didn’t provoke him.

At least, not until something crosses her mind.

“You care a lot about other people,” she notes.

She gets no response.

“Or, I suppose I should say… you disregard your own feelings for the sake of everyone else’s. You’re really hard on yourself, too.”

Silence.

“… Why is that, Aleph?”

He grunts, trying to get her off his back. “I’m the Messiah. That’s how it’s supposed to be.”

Hiroko is briefly surprised by his response. “Oh.” Then she shakes her head. “… No it’s not. What are you talking about?”

He glances at her over his shoulder, and then sighs. “… Everyone looks up to me, you know. I can’t exactly have what I want. The greater good comes first…

"If I can’t be a beacon of hope to the people, I’m not doing my job.”

Hiroko sits up and crosses her arms. “Hm… Okay, then. What is it that _you_ want?”

“Hiroko, come on… it doesn’t really matter what I–”

“Nope.” She pats his shoulder, prepared to get him to play along no matter the cost. “Disregard the rest of Millennium for a moment. What do you want? Peace and quiet? A normal life, whatever that is? What?”

… Aleph rolls over on his back. He looks annoyed, but even so she smiles wryly at him. He glances away, trying to resist, but she leans closer and closer until he uncomfortably gives in.

“… I… I want… freedom.”

“Freedom? From what? Your duties?”

“… Freedom from expectations. For once, I… mm… this sounds bad, doesn’t it?”

“Doesn’t matter. Cough it up, Aleph.” She smiles wider, hoping to make Aleph feel safe. It doesn’t, but he continues anyway.

“… Um…” He sits up. “I kind of… want someone else to deal with my problems. I want to be able to go out and have fun, like I used to be able to before I was the Messiah…”

“And?”

“… I don’t want to be the Messiah anymore.” Aleph shamefully bows his head down and stares into his lap. A wasted gesture, of course, because Hiroko reaches over and gently touches his chin with her fingers before pointing it back up at her.

“Alright, listen to me. I’m not gonna say you have to accept your position, that you made your choice long ago or some crap like that. It sucks that things turned out this way. It sucks that you were born into the position of Messiah, that Lucifer put the onus of fixing human-demon relations on your shoulders, that Millennium is so screwed up in the first place.

"But you know what?” She flashes a hopeful, toothy grin. “We can still make the best of what we have. And you know, you don’t have to deal with this alone. You have me, and your demons, and Daleth and Hanoun…”

Aleph makes a face at the mention of Daleth. Hiroko rolls her eyes and continues. “And, hey! You might be the face of Millennium and the Messiah to everyone else, but you’re just plain old Aleph to me. That’s never going to change. So don’t worry, okay?”

He mulls her words over, and then looks directly at her. “… So I’m fine just the way I am? Misgivings and all?”

“Dummy!” Hiroko baps Aleph’s forehead lightly. “Of course you are! What kind of a question is that?”

Aleph pouts and covers his forehead, but he seems to be in a better mood than before. He can’t help but smile at her.

“Ah, haha… Thank you, Hiroko. You’re much too kind to me.”

She smiles back and lays back down. “Yeah, yeah, don’t mention it. Now don’t go running off like that again.

"We’re gonna figure this all out, one step at a time. I promise.”


End file.
